Aug. 19th

Went to a birthday party in Hollywood last night. What a blast! I had so much fun talking to some familiar faces & a lot of new ones – people who recognized me & who are fans of the show! Even a couple from Austin, TX who said they loved me – so cool! I am paying for my good time today though –got a very mild hangover, surely not as bad as some of the other ROCKERS— lol!

 

Today was the 1st time we got to check out our blogs on Windows Live Spaces! Super rad! Thanx EVERYONE for all the love & support out there!! It’s awesome knowing now, that there are so many people from all over the world who are into the show, and who are fans. It makes this entire experience so worthwhile.

 

Going shoe shopping later for my next performance this week. Got the outfit, just need the hooves. I’m really happy about my song this week. It’s my mom’s favorite song & it brings back so many childhood memories. I only wish that she knew I was here & that she could hear me sing this one. EVS…

 

Aug. 23rd

Wow…Today was elimination day. My dear Patrice went away. I can’t wait to hear her new CD & to go & see her show! I’ll miss her love & her strength & energy so much.

 

I was under the knife today & right now it feels like my head is hanging onto my neck by a thread. I totally admit that I clearly dug my own grace & got myself into this cold, dark place. I only want everyone to know that I’m only human with flaws & errors & that I never said anything to hurt a soul. I honestly love my friends here & want only the best for each & every one of them. Anyways, I’ve learnt a valuable lesson & will work really hard not to repeat this unfortunate mistake. I learnt that there is a big difference between honesty & bluntness. I learned that I don’t have to answer what I don’t want to. I learnt that I am in control of ME & nobody else. My goal is my career – with or without S.Nova.

 

I learned to “Ready-aim-fire” & not to “Ready-fire-aim”.

 

I will wake up tomorrow, a new woman, ready to represent ME & eager to do my best.

 

Thank you, all of you, for still loving, supporting & believing in ME! Much love. xxx

 

 

All the frills, except for Stormy and Jill are in L.A. at Kayden Creation Tattoo shop getting  inked-yeah baby! It’s exciting stuff and a 1st for Dana and Zayra! OUCH! Lucas and Toby just got some cool work done  and Magni got his 1st. I’m proud to say, he got a custom of his son’s name--- the artist: YOURS’ TRULY!

I’m  getting Rock N' Roll on my knuckles!

-Last night I had a totally unforgettable moment. We had a party at the  mansion.What a fun time--  everyone was hammered (except for me- what a fu**ing dork!) but I had to get up at 4:45 AM and wanted  to be professional and on top of my  game. Anyway,  my special moment last night… Terri Nunn, the female singer for the band Berlin was there and asked me to sing a duet with her! OMG! So, I wanted the best possible backing for her and rounded up the BEST to play for us-The Rock Star  houseband Pat ‘cos he wasn’t there, so naturally, my good friend Magni stood in for him! We sang “Dreams” by Stevie Nicks and it sounded AWESOME! What a fabulous lady with such love, warmth and passion. What are honor! I can’t wait to hang out with her again. She had real motivating and inspiring words for me as she looked straight into my eyes and into my soul. Wow-is all I can say. Thanx again  Terri!
-This  week's show was unbelievable! All of us were super good and scary! OMG-  the level of professional on this show is growing week by week!

-My Houston “Mom and Dad” were at the show too and what a wonderful surprise! They even brought me an early birthday gift! Love you guys,  thanx for coming-missed you Donnie!

-My love, Steven- just a short short out to say THANX for all your love and  support, hang in there and I love you BABY!

-To everyone out there in the  free world, I wouldn’t and couldn’t do this without  you guys! Thanx also for the love and the votes! I just wanna win man!

Muah!!

P.S. Miss Taco Cabana bitches!

Pinkies UP!

Journal day and AGAIN, I haven’t written anything until the last minute!

This was a good  week – lots a exciting stuff happened. The song writing  clinic was a trip and thought I was gonna strangle Lukas--lol!

We truly have a love-hate relationship! Our song turned out great regardless of all the drama and Supernova dug it.

We went to “The Contender” premiere and now have a boxer from last  season’s  show training us 2x/week. This morning was the 1st session and it felt awesome to punch and kick the sh*t out of his sparring mits and release some stress and frustration.

The  4th show recording was AWESOME and my song was a smash! My 2x friends from Holland, 2x friends from Houston AND Steven were  there! Talk about inspiration!

Tonight were going to some Hollywood restaurant and then we’re  going to Jason’s band (Voivod) CD release party at some club. Another night of endless talking and dirty Vodka martinis.

Today we spent most of the day doing NOTHING – swimming and laying in the unbearable 110 degree heat was all we could do.

I miss Jenny, it’s different without her – I wonder who will be booted  next??

HAPPY  BIRTHDAY for the 29th baby – I love the shi* outta  you  M.F.!!

12:38 PM:

I’m waiting to go in for  my rehearsal – looks like were running behind schedule which  means I'll miss my shopping trip today. It’s ok though, I’ll go tomorrow. 

 

Just got sad news. Zayra is moving out. She’s  moving in with Stormy so that she won’t be alone. I feel like it should’ve been me but it’s probably better this way –  Storm and I are really good friends but we’re both very strong and hot-headed individuals and maybe being around each other  too much could lead to combustion lol! Z promised to visit and cuddle every day. I’ll miss my “roomie.” Gonna grab some lunch  – haven’t eaten today!

Just back from rehearsal and I’m PUMPED!! My songs gonna kick some serious ass whoohoo!! I  HATE this waiting – wanna be on stage, get my fix URGHH! We  totally stripped down the tune – want my voice to be the main  instrument.

Dana is in here (our room) rehearsing her song in front of the mirror while I giver her small pointers – this  is so much fun.

I have to finish this off now that that  I can start memorizing my lyrics. Adios M.F.’s!

11:10 PM

 

Ok so my wardrobe for “Zombie” worked  out fine. I wore a black corsette that my boyfriend’s sister gave me with a long, gothic skirt & no shoes – easy.

Performing “Zombie” was another grrreat thrill, I had so much fun!

 

Tonight we had to pick out next song – sorry, can’t tell you what I chose  (& got). Tomorrow is 1st band rehearsal  for this so I’ll see what the guys think of my idea – I’m  excited!

 

I got a stunning lilly  bouquet and perfume from Steven today! Gawd I really love my guy! It’s almost exactly a month ago that I left him and it’s  gotten harder now. I feel like it’s been a lifetime!

 

We  said goodbye to Jenny this week… I miss her. We had started a real friendship and had amazing talks and moments that I will always  hold dear. It’s a bizarre thing but I almost felt happy because I knew in my heart that Jenny is OK and that this experience  was life changing for her and that she left here with a new life  mission and a very exciting journey ahead. When I hugged her for  the last time, we both cried and laughed – I told her that  I would make another trip to beautiful Canada on my Harley and that I would pick her up and she could ride bitch with me--ha-ha! So long beautiful ROCK CHICK, until we meet again.

 

Last night  we had a song writing clinic with Gilby Clark. 3 teams had to  write a song to one of their trax!! Exciting stuff! The 3 of us who  have had encores got to pick the 1st person on our team, then  that person would pick the next one and so on… Soooo – I picked LUKAS,  he picked Ryan and Ryan picked Storm. A crazy team with 3 HOT heads lol! I’m sure you’ll see it on TV – all I wanna say is I wanted to strangle Lukas but eventually we ended up with an awesome song. All the groups presented it to Supernova this morning and then we had lunch here with them and listened  to more of their tunes and hung out for a while and had a few Jager shots--lmfao! I am very glad to say that I enjoyed their  rough mixes of some new original material a lot and can  totally hear me singing them!

 

Magni and Dana are in our  room playing guitars and I’m enjoying listening to them play as I do this. I LOVE “ICE-MAN” (Magni). Btw, I gave him that  nickname the 1st day we met. He is an unbelievable,  magical person with the biggest, warmest heart – we all adore  him! He’s actually our DAD in the house and always ready to help  everyone. I hope I leave before he does. He has a 10 month young baby boy back home in Iceland and a girlfriend who he clearly worships. I love seeing someone so in love with their family.

 

Got another  letter from Steven’s Dad! What a great guy – Thanx Pops –  love you! Also another letter from my crazy personal trainer (“fitness  specialist”as he likes to say it ha ha)! Thankx BIG HURT!

BRILLIANT  news! We’re getting one of the boxers from last season’s “CONTENDER”  series to come here and give us a work-out once a week! Yea  baby, bring it on!!

 

Well it 11:59pm now, I have to get some  sleep – tomorrow starts off early as ALWAYS. Lovely day,  lovely day (hey, sounds like a song)!

 

Peace out peeps.

I just finished rehearsal with the House Band and a vocal lesson with Lis. Both went great! I was first for rehearsal this morning at 10, so I got the boys in a fresh, good mood. I'm really happy with my song for the  next show and very proud of myself for picking AND getting my song--it was between Ryan and I, but I got it in the end.

 

We had an awesome time on Thursday night- we were on the SUPERNOVA/ROCKSTAR tour bus and went to Roxy to see Mig, Marty  (from last season) and Dave Navarro all perform with their bands.  Before entering, we did our first RED CARPET!! OMG, what an experience.  We were paired up and Toby and I were the last 2 out the bus.  There were some Dilana fans (how coooool!!!!)… The coolest thing was that Toby and I were in between SUPERNOVA and Marty and his band!!!

 

Navarro also  stopped by and hugged me! Oh, almost forgot…. While we were  in the bus outside the Roxy. Some fans who had called in to a radio  station won passes to come into the bus and meet us and hang  out for about 10 mins. The  entire night was amazing and I truly felt like a REAL Rockstar for the first time.

 

I got to talk to my man today! It was great to hear his voice again…I can't believe that tomorrow will be 3 weeks here at the mansion. It feels like  3 years. I’m really missing my crazy friends and my boyfriend’s family and my “step-son” Phoenix who is 4 and sports a  tremendous Mohawk! Steven (my guy) told me that Phoenix mentioned  last week that he was missing me and demanded that I come home--too cute!

 

This day seems to be dragging on forever. Rehearsal flew by  today. Laying  out by the pool is almost impossible- -it's 110 degrees today! Tonight we got to watch movies! Hooray!

After the elimination show and having to say “goodbye” to my friend Chris, we came home and I was just bummed out. I just wanted to  run away and cry for hours. I guess everything-- all the stress and pressure finally got a hold of me. I was questioning myself on all  levels and evaluating all my thoughts, emotions, fears and was trying  to understand why I was feeling so lonely. Pretty damn obvious huh? 3 weeks in a house full of strangers who are slowly creeping into my  heart.

 

Wow, it was a heavy day but I feel a lot better now and my focus  is back. I'm feeling strong again.

 

I love Storm. Her and I have become  such great friends, for life I'm sure. Gawd, I’ll miss her so much IF she leaves here before me. We call her the “mom of  the house.”  She's always taking care of all of us and has so much love to give--who would’ve known?

 

I’m  taking a break now so that I can work on my wardrobe for the next  show.

 

TTYL.

So I got the 1st show behind me & what a BLAST it was! AND! OMG, I got the encore!! Couldn’t believe it! What an honor & what a mind blowing experience! The pressure is so on now! I am by far my toughest competition – I HAVE to stay on top of things, keep my sanity, maintain or improve – going down is NOT an option!

 

As every hour passes, tension & pressure in the mansion increases. I have so many great, new friends now & it’s so hard to think that at some point, as the competition increases, I might have an enemy or that a bad vibe might come into the game.

 

We all got a brand new guitar from Gibson after the elimination show! It really helped to lift all our spirits after we lost a soldier, Matt. He is missed around here. He was sharing a room with Magni next to ours & I swear, I hear his voice some mornings – it’s a weird thing. I cried a lot after he was up on stage pouring his heart out to Supernova but I know that he’ll be doing great things in the future & hopefully we’ll meet again along the way.

 

God I miss my boyfriend sooo much, week 1 was a breeze but now, after 2 weeks it’s getting harder. I got some letters, pictures & drawings from him and his Dad which really mean so much & keep me strong, THANX for that! Also got flowers from my man & roses from some friends/neighbors which was such a cool surprise!

 

The rehearsals with the house band are my favorite! I LOVE those guys. They are amazingly talented & really understand me – that’s a great comfort!

 

My “fitness specialist,” Eric, wrote me a very cool letter that really cracked me up! I miss him.     

 

SH*T, they’re here for my journal – sorry friends, I’ll have alot more next time.

     

Love you all!

     

Thanx for the support!

 

“ELBOWS UP!”

Just did a rehearsal for the 1st show at the CBS studios with the house band. We were sitting in “our spot’ cameras are rolling, the air is on fire! This is way more fu**ing magical than I had ever dreamt of, I’m so happy and thankful for being here. This room-OMG, the stage-fu**ing wow!

 

Saw Dave Navarro for the 1st time to day, Supernova-was here too, watching us, listening to us…you have to wonder what the hell they are thinking!! 

 

My song went great, I feel good. Liz, the vocal coach, is officially my new religion, my savior, my mom, my friend, my pillar, my rock, my god! I want to move to LA just to be near her. I had a very nervous breakdown earlier, no one knows about it- Liz was there to make me whole again- worship the “Liz god”!

 

The house band really rocked and they are awesome guys. I wish they would audition for a new singer LMFAO!

 

Ryan is up on stage singing the GooGoo Dolls! Boy rippin it up! My next deliverance for the show is wardrobe- that’s my mission for tonight. Oh btw… I was in bed at 9:45 last night, yeah, I know what a fu**ing loser

right? So not rock and roll. But I needed my sleep, got up at 6am to work out. Sad thing is, I missed the ‘acoustic” Rockstar show in the ballroom, apparently it was magical and everyone had a chance to sing an original.

 

I really miss my boyfriend, every working and evening is the worst time.

I’ll start off by saying; being a “Rockstar” is a lot of hard work! Man, I thought I was going to have a lot of down time, catch up on some much needed R&R and do a little soul searching. But that’s definitely not the case. I had to get up at 5:30am to squeeze in a work out, followed by a breakfast on the run, grab a shower. Then a group photo shoot, then interviews and so on… Don’t get me wrong, I’m digging every second of this! It’s indescribable how life here in the mansion is--this is Hollywood Baby!

 

All the other “ROCKERS” are really cool and we get along great!

 

We jammed around the pool last night- what a blast! I laughed my ass off and fell in love with everyone.

 

I’m just randomly writing down s*it btw.

 

Right now a few are laying out by the pool- it feels like Texas heat with the humidity so we’re trying to catch some rays. Phil and Ryan just had a swimming race- Ryan smoked it! Lukas just strolled by with a coffee and a fag- oh talking about fags, Lukas, Josh and I shook on quitting today! So… I’m already dying for one! And… the vocal coach, Liz, is here today. I’ve never had a vocal lesson in my life and really don’t want to do this, I feel sorry for her lol!

 

Everyone is walking around with Mp3’s and ear phones rehearsing their songs, it sounds like an Indian Bagger!

Storm just let me use here pink jump rope, I let here use my ball- so were dong some exercises out by the pool in the sun. Also brought my rubber band, “Maggie”, who has traveled all over the world with me.